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This page was updated on January 12, 2011
Liz's RVing Fools 2005 edition is still posted.
Famous Frank -- contributed by Shirley of Florida
A RVer drops his coach off for service and walks out to the highway and flags down a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
RV Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
RV Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
RV Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
RV Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
RV Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his damn widow.'
Interesting Stuff --contributed by Shirley of Florida
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this..) ---The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, laser printers , & binary language all have in common? A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'Goodnight, sleep tight.'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
And lastly, at least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Senile Seniors contributed by Shirley of Florida
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired and stopped full-timing. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-th ousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. 'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No'. Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile' The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.... '
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here."
Blind Man in Female Biker Bar --contributed by Shirley of Florida
A blind man, traveling with some RVing friends decides to take a walk from the campground they are staying at and walks into an all girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells out ,"Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"
The bar falls absolutely silent. In a deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair--given that you are blind--that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
While snow birding in Florida a husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer the negligee, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it back to their park model. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go and put it on and model it for him.
In the bedroom, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on. Instead, I'll do the modeling naked, return the negligee tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked in the hallway and strikes a pose.
The husband exclaims, "Good grief. You'd think for $500 they would at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed coffin.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn their motorhome around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of motorhome, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer opened his window and yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".
As a senior citizen RVer was driving down the freeway, cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's an idiot going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"OH," exclaimed Herman, "It's not just one, it's hundreds of them!"
A man from North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the motorhome and one behind it. Then he got back in the motorhometo wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The RVer replied, "I have a flat tire".
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The North Carolina RVer responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me, neither."
The young man in Tennessee came running into the gas station and said to a stranger, "Mister, somebody just stole your camper from gas pump!'
The RVer replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license tag number".
The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his class C motorhome into the ditch in Kentucky. The sheriff asked, "What'r you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head".
"Yep", he replied. 'That's why I dumping it here, 'cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'".
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