RV Advice presents: RV Jokes/Humor and true Travel Tales

 If you want music while you read, select this icon to choose your song (wait till page loads).

---

---

Sign of being Stupid - contributed by Steve of Arizona

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my motorhome into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my motorhome, looks at me, and I SWEAR he asked, Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our motorhome about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the motorhome around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the motorhome, walks around, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot!" See If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The motorhome got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your motorhome stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the motorhome and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

The Washington Post Style Invitational contributed by Jo Ann

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Golf in the Afterlife contributed by Linda of Tennessee

A RVing couple made a deal one night in their motorhome that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, Mary....Mary"

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

What's it like?

"Well I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more. I have lunch, then another romp on the golf course, then sex for the rest of the afternoon.

After supper,golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.

"Oh, Fred!! you surely must be in heaven!!!

Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona.

The RVing Woman's Perfect Breakfast contributed by Barbara

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning before breaking camp and pulling out of the campground.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS".

Just for the fun of it while attending their RV club rally they decided to attend a marriage seminar, held in the clubhouse, dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,

"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

A man absolutely hates his wife's cat. And on top of it all she insists the cat goes with them on all their RV trips. One day, while his wife is doing laundry at the campground clubhouse he decides to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from their campground and leaving him at a park.

As he was getting back to their site, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decides to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He puts the beast out and heads back to the campground.

As he was pulling into the driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him back. Finally, he decides to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reaches what he thought was a safe distance from the campground and put out the cat.

Hours later, the man calls his wife's cell phone and asks, "Jen, is the cat >there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man says, "Put that little jerk on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the RV transport company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck hauling this fifth wheel camper ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now, your Honor, what would you say?"

A woman who was traveling across country and full timing with her pets brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

PHYSICIANS:

a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

b. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

(statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

NOW THINK ABOUT THIS...

GUNS:

a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.

c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember: "Guns don't kill people, doctors do!"

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. It's a vicious cycle.

Searching for something in particular on our website? Utilize our search engine: